Plug out

For once, I'm going to share a slice of my inner complexity, a piece of layer-1 that rarely goes out. Since I'm going to have to pull the plug in a few months time anyway (if I don't, the Server will), let's just savor this mixed situation. Not that I expect anyone to be reading this, but if that's the case, bear in mind that all this 'bebel' (borrow Intan's term) is going to end pretty soon. Unless the server time extends or "think-type" technology becomes available to me, I will most probably let go of this run. We'll see.

[I'm just gonna lump it all... no continuity... ]

First of all, it's about my communication. Nope. It's not about utterance. It's about connectivity. I have a problem getting in tune sometimes. What can I do? What can I offer? What haven't I done? Why do some people refuse to talk to me? Or am I the one refusing? Why is it quite difficult to fit in?

I'm on a fast track, hence, I grow old very quick too. Chin Sang Fah of S. China Sea said that I'm losing my hair fast. And I'm not as energetic any more. How do I slow down? Or perhaps, is my life actually not fast enough? What I am missing? Would I rather be somewhere else? Why can't I make full use of every moment?

I want to do more good. I want to help more people. I cried thinking about how useless I am sometimes. What is within my control? What can't I be in control? What is the essence of life?

Sometimes, I don't feel comfortable being myself -- which is about the worst thing I could do to my own integrity. Why do I live in the past? Why would I wanna be someone else? Why do I often hate my actions/reactions? Why do I keep regretting over something I can't change?

Maybe I should give it a spin. Talk to people I don't even know. Understand books I've never read. Listen to songs I've never heard of. There's a pleasure in doing even the little things. Combing hair. Deep breath. Closing eyes for a moment. Smiling.

In the end, it's about how you conform to His standards. Not how cold people look at/treat you.