Long entry

raw scribble: no accountability is taken whatsoever for clarity, grammar, and use of words - read at your own discretion

This round of troubleshooting stumbled upon my calendar before i could actually prepare myself for it. I completed one recently, when some issues came up and they needed a team to investigate. The issues remain outstanding; the investigation still calls for some follow-ups; things are continuously stacking up in the office waiting to be shoved off the table, and boom, this one came out of nowhere, although it had actually been planned for about 3 months. When you work for a big organization and the environment is super-challenging, particularly when some work involves 2 to 3 different parties, the timing is bound to hop on its foot one after another. It takes mighty effort to pull all these things together.

The first indication that the trip was going to be some sort of a woe was a taxicab swap. Two of the drivers I trusted were providing service to other client in one case and struck by a fever in another. This replacement guy asked what was the typical route the other drivers took, swept through a crossing bypass over to the other highway, and stuck right before the exit to federal highway. I almost went, "we're not going to make it my friend". But somehow, a little perserverance and patience pays well as the taxi cruised through the airport ten minutes before the time. In fact, I previously called up the airport to tell them I'm well on my way to check in and hopefully they wouldn't leave without me. No-show is trouble.

Familiar faces at the airport, namely Steve W, Hj Abraham Z, Nad K, and Iz A, calmed the ripple that was ignited by the stone (driver) dropped onto my watery surface earlier. I'm a water-bender all right. We were talking about the usual when Hj Suhaimi joined a little while later, skillfully without abrupting Abraham who was at the moment introducing her daughter who recently joined a local premium oil & gas company. Then we all had breakfast at the destination airport with KS taking Steve W's place. It's very interesting to mix field supervisory experience of 50 years combined and senior engineers of roughly 5-year each, in a conversation, to realize that mine was only 1.75, relatively miniscule, and to also realize that they were oblivious to it. Nad K, a chained scholar like me, only more senior, reminded of having a choice and not having a choice as a big deal, which I later translated to my logic bubbles as - I do have a choice. There may be some implications but I always have a choice. Nobody is going to tie me down just because of what I owe especially if the other end of the bargain was not kept and has not been kept. If it's not a fair deal, then there's no more a reason to honor it. Perhaps I should've snapped away from that kind of thought before it was going to ruin the journey. Then we all went separate ways, all carrying duties on behalf of the company, wondering if any of the efforts are going to be appreciated at all.

The first day, it was so blue. No, not me, the water was. It's a bit purple in color. No, maybe magenta. You'd feel like you'd want to swim in it but the rough surface reminded you not to. Wind was blowing as if it had not been blocked by anything whatsoever along its 1000km plus trip. It had not been indeed blocked by anything and that's as fresh of air as you could get at one time. It cleared the rusts in the head but only for a short while, thinking about the issues that's coming. 2nd day... dumbstruck by the whole case: more findings and things to be organized soon. Gosh. 3rd day, we were just solving whatever we could, stuck in the boat for half an hour due to an air transport coming in at the time. 3 rounds of going back and forth from the big island to the small island - I thought I've had just about enough. Tusirin the crane operator had a lot of laugh, easing out from the already stressed and unpleasant work environment. To smile and laugh during tough situations calls for a big heart.

I actually sobbed dry, no more tears, on the second day, heavily induced by the terrible things that I'm in. It may be not as terrible, but I think it is. It's a small crack that I'm in. Life is already going up, but there are junctions that have pained me. To be honest, it doesn't make me happy. Nowadays, as soon as I return, I normally don't talk as much as before. I simply can't describe the situation and I am not expecting anybody to understand it either. I know upfront that words would fail me. That's why I wouldn't want to talk about it. I've already tried and it all failed. I no longer have a peaceful sleep. That's painful, don't you think? Ever since I fall into this crack, and I'm going to start using those terms now, none of my sleep is merily identifiable as rest or peace. Well, no sleep is, come to think about it. No sleep is... until the final sleep. That's when you don't wake up anymore.

I saw a pair of dolphins when were stuck in a bot. Then tonnes of fishes, about 3 to 4 feet long each. All in a school. I don't see a classroom but they did line up just fine. I wish I could lower a net and work the crane to rally everyone last one of them - that's at least 10k on a boat for 10 minutes of work. I wonder if our marine level is up to that. Such a waste of opportunity. But on other hand, I was trying to imagine what it's like to be that fish for a while. Swimming in the ocean carefree, nothing to worry about. Maybe predators come around every so often but there is chance to fight and break away. If it's the end of it after you've given all you got, then that's your life cycle as you know it. Nothing to be sorry for. Or perhaps imagine what it's like to be the ocean itself, dances as the moon dances, slides away as the wind blows, enjoys the open air while basking under the sun. My Creator comes to mind, suddenly. Lord. I just hope I'll always remember You at all time. Your Greatness. Seen in your creations.

Maybe knowing a tiny bit of everything is frustrating. Maybe that's the dilemma. What skills do I have really? Is it the efforts that count or the skills? If I go somewhere else, am I going to be somebody? There's that dilemma isn't it - knowing and being a little bit of everything is like going invisible - you're nobody. I don't know which trade should I undertake. There are missing pieces here and there. Usability, design, networking, electrical, economics, recitation, singing, multimedia, facilities, engineering, project management. I'm doing some of these and none of these. It's somehow induced by the crack that I'm in. I am assigned to a specific position, but I'm doing all the work for other functions, as always instructed. It's good exposure, I learn the business, but I lack the fulfillment for the original position, and it keeps me in a constant confusion. Is there a way to do what I would like to do? Then I can really unleash my potentials? Work the things as if it's not work at all? Isn't that more of a fulfillment on the job than whatever remuneration of the pay can really compensate.

To be continued... (or not.. )