A Slower Bite

It hasn't been an impressive day. The very beginning already seemed like a stump. It took a couple of hours to actually patch it right again. And then you just hope it's all going to go away.

I'm going to start with the feelings of getting old again. 'You have many great years ahead of you! Stop being such a pathetic idiot.' Well, what if I don't? To start off, I've already experienced a wee bit of what it's like not being able to accomodate my basic needs during the hospitalization. What it's like not being able to move my body from the waist down. I've also tasted what it's like to depend on a walking stick. I know some of you may have experienced a greater extent of any of the above, but then again, I think a little exposure still qualifies in providing a little gist on the overall grand scheme of things. The only questions are for how long, and how do you move from that point forward?

A sudden pang of realization also hit me as soon as I finished the cup of breakfast tea. I liked it, and I still do! No, no, it's not the Arthur Dent type of "I LIKE TEA!!! Heart of Gold, please compute and produce one". But it's more like I'm beginning to prefer hot beverages even more. Not to say that I won't do cold drinks at all, but the proportion seems to have changed quite a bit. Quite a lot actually. Perhaps it used to be 20-80. Now it's more like 80-20. 20% when I'm totally unbelievably exhausted or when I need to temporarily shower down the body heat. But other times, I totally prefer the tasty and delicate heat of fragrant beverage slowly sipping down my tongue, its dissemination to the throat and later down the esophagus. I'm lying if I could feel it in the esophagus. OK, so at the very beginning of esophagus. Then it doesn't feel anything until it gets to the stomach and to the very end.

The actual events for the day - we all went to Sg. Jeluk wedding ceremony, then I hitched K.Ngah, Abg Ngah, and Ridhwan to Yassir & Diana's wedding (hey, congratulations to you two) at Tmn. Melawati before changing one of Kelisa's tyres (unexplainable horizontal puncture) on our way back. We had it replaced right away at Lee Auto. Alya had shopped for her so-called "Prom Night" but only queens, well, princesses, would be present, for there would be no kings or princes. It's all great for everybody. Everyone's happy. All getting married and having fun and all, while,

I reflected quietly on the deep sorrow. An inevitable worry. A habitual misery in being miserable. It felt as if nothing much has gone quite the way I wanted. The reason for this is exactly because nothing much has gone the way I wanted. Well, you don't always get what you want, don't you? Shouldn't you be happy with whatever you have? I certainly should and have been. But I am absolutely certain of a few missing puzzles in my life. There's an equation here and there just being ready to be solved, but not yet solved. I don't feel like I have offered a lot. I found myself admiring what others have, and not being able to see what I have. Do I have anything? Hey, folks, do you see anything you like in me that you want for yourself? Because I can show you. If you are interested in Macs, I can teach you what I know. Perhaps, how to solve the Rubik cube, or maybe, how to sing or recite, or, or, walk like a cowboy. Whatever you wanna know? I'll show you what I know. Maybe not much, but I'd like to share it.

















Maybe that's it. I actually ran out of dear friends in actuality. Don't patronize me with this virtuality, OK? (This is only time I would want to deliberately be grumpy a bit.) You enjoy a laugh or two, and then, OK, bye bye. What is that? But maybe it is as simple as that. You just enjoy a moment or two. Be happy about it. But then, where is the continuity? And then what? Or maybe that's where I am wrong. If I don't dig in what others are interested, how are they going be interested in what my interest would be.

I think I am quite miserable. I'd embrace Ridhwan and feel happy a bit. He's a vibrant little boy. I on the other hand am quite dull and pathetic. During the event at Tmn Melawati today, it has dawned on me how lives are passing by and around while I'm staying nearly absolutely still. What do you think people talk about during these events? All the progress in your life? Work? Family? Kids? What be of mine? What be of yours? I could almost hear a person in a corner, also not too occupied, going, "Sore loser. You don't have anybody next to you. You know nobody around. Nothing to talk about. Just a quiet smile, enjoying the food a bit. And that's it." Someone like me. In the corner. I glanced around a couple of minutes searching for the figure, waited again for a while, and realized that the person was me. I was sitting at a corner.

OK. Back to HHGTG. Better read about someone else's life than mine.